Tuesday 2 May 2017

Three rocks


A reminder of an insight received 4 years ago:
A battle over before it started. But you need to pick up those three rocks in faith, step onto the field and let God direct the sling.


Prove it



Loving something and actually doing it is two different things. Okay God - show me.
Answer this morning's prayer...Please.


Wednesday 19 April 2017

Hope's painful birth


Lamentations 3 - My Translation

New Living Translation (NLT)
Message Translation (MT)
My Translation (KST)
1I am the one who has seen the afflictions that come from the rod of the Lord's anger.
1-3 I’m the man who has seen trouble, trouble coming from the lash of God's anger.
I am the woman who has felt the abandonment of God.

2He has led me into darkness, shutting out all light.
He took me by the hand and walked me into pitch-black darkness. He led me into the heart of midnight, voiding all my senses.

3He has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long.
Yes, he’s given me the back of his hand over and over and over again. I felt the sting of his backhand; 
4He has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones.
4-6 He turned me into a scarecrow of skin and bones, then broke the bones.
My body, mind, and soul - a sack of bones; only to be broken one by one.
5He has besieged and surrounded me with anguish and distress.
He hemmed me in, ganged up on me, poured on the trouble and hard times. He neck-laced me in sorrows;
6He has buried me in a dark place, like those long dead.
He locked me up in deep darkness, like a corpse nailed inside a coffin. Locked   me inside an iron maiden. If only this body was already dead, but I was buried alive.
7He has walled me in, and I cannot escape. He has bound me in heavy chains.
7-9 He shuts me in so I’ll never get out, manacles my hands, shackles my feet.
Cuffed within these bounds there is no escape - 
8And though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers.
Even when I cry out and plead for help, he locks up my prayers and throws away the key. My screams all get locked in a vault of silence.
9He has blocked my way with a high stone wall; he has made my road crooked.
He sets up blockades with quarried limestone. He's got me cornered.  I am drenched and cold, cornered by lies.
10He has hidden like a bear or a lion, waiting to attack me.
10-12 He’s a prowling bear tracking me down, a lion in hiding ready to pounce.
It feels like he has sided with mine enemies; making me his prey.
11He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces, leaving me helpless and devastated.
He knocked me from the path and ripped me to pieces. When he finished, there was nothing left of me. I was whipped and lashed - pieces of me ripped out and blood pouring down.
12He has drawn his bow and made me the target for his arrows.
He took out his bow and arrows and used me for target practice. What was left, got hung out and given a bull's eye.
13He shot his arrows deep into my heart.
13-15 He shot me in the stomach with arrows from his quiver.
Shot by moments of non-action. Pulling my stomach into a knot.
14My own people laugh at me. All day long they sing their mocking songs.
Everyone took me for a joke, made me the butt of their mocking ballads. My enemies laughed and made up stories for their own gain.
15He has filled me with bitterness and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.
He forced rotten, stinking food down my throat, bloated me with vile drinks. I reeked of stale hope and stagnant faith grown putrid in my wait.
16He has made me chew on gravel. He has rolled me in the dust.
16-18 He ground my face into the gravel. He pounded me into the mud.
My face got knocked down and dragged over gravel. 
17Peace has been stripped away, and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
I gave up on life altogether. I've forgotten what the good life is like. I will never be the same. Left for dead. Innocence not even a memory anymore.
18I cry out, “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lords is lost!"
I said to myself, “This is it. I’m finished. God is a lost cause. I gave up. I let go. I drowned.
19The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. Or is wormwood and gall.
19-21 I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
The taste, like iron, still very much overbearing in my mouth.
20I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. Even if I were to get saved, the scars will never go away.
21Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:
But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: But I lift my head.
22The faithful love of the Lord never ends!3:22 As in Syriac version; Hebrew reads of the Lord keeps us from destruction. His mercies never cease.
22-24 God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
I refuse to believe that the Archetype of faith has it wrong.
23Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! He is good! He acts!
24I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. I will crawl next to him.
25The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.
25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks.
He has covered me up to now - surely that should be enough for me to hold on?
26So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. So I will hope.
27And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline:
It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. These days will change and the seasons will turn.
28Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord's demands.
28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
I don't have to sing and dance in the face of death - all broken, bent and bleeding.
29Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: wait for hope to appear. I don't have to beg and plead. I only need to wait.
30Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. It could be worse. It could be better, but it could always be worse. I hate that.
31For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever.
31-33 Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return.
If you are the God of the Word, and your word prevails, then you will have the last say.
32Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He is two sides of the same coin. 
33For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way: He cries out like me when my kids misunderstand my actions.
34If people crush underfoot all the prisoners of the land,
34-36 Stomping down hard on luckless prisoners,
Crushing the spirit and the body of the hopeless and aid-deprived,
35if they deprive others of their rights in defiance of the Most High,
Refusing justice to victims in the court of High God, Toying with justice as if it was your "Upside Down"
36if they twist justice in the courts— doesn't the Lord see all these things?
Tampering with evidence— the Master does not approve of such things. Blatantly tampering with evidence, using your cronies in the system.
37Who can command things to happen without the Lord's permission?
37-39 Who do you think “spoke and it happened”? It's the Master who gives such orders.
Who do you think breathed live into all of you? Who said: "let there be" and there was?
38Does not the Most High send both calamity and good?
Doesn’t the High God speak everything, good things and hard things alike, into being? Does God really create both good and evil or merely separate them?
39Then why should we, mere humans, complain when we are punished for our sins?
And why would anyone gifted with life complain when punished for sin? Jesus died for my sins - they are all forgiven. If God decides to use them to mold me - who am I to complain or question?
40Instead, let us test and examine our ways. Let us turn back to the Lord.
40-42 Let’s take a good look at the way we’re living and reorder our lives under God.
I am at your feet oh God.
41Let us lift our hearts and hands to God in heaven and say,
Let’s lift our hearts and hands at one and the same time, praying to God in heaven: My eyes, my mind, my soul directed to you…
42“We have sinned and rebelled, and you have not forgiven us.
“We’ve been contrary and willful, and you haven't forgiven. I have rebelled. There were thorns in my words.
43“You have engulfed us with your anger, chased us down, and slaughtered us without mercy.
43-45 “You lost your temper with us, holding nothing back. You chased us and cut us down without mercy.
But these past 4 years have made me chew on them. Again, and again, and again…
44You have hidden yourself in a cloud so our prayers cannot reach you.
You wrapped yourself in thick blankets of clouds so no prayers could get through. You closed your door, locked me out and threw away the key.
45You have discarded us as refuse and garbage among the nations.
You treated us like dirty dishwater, threw us out in the backyard of the nations. My blood left stains on the dirt as this useless vessel hit the ground.
46“All our enemies have spoken out against us.
46-48 “Our enemies shout abuse, their mouths full of derision, spitting invective.
My enemy points and laughs. Pokes me with his fingers.
47We are filled with fear, for we are trapped, devastated, and ruined."
We’ve been to hell and back. We've nowhere to turn, nowhere to go. Hell is this moment. Hell is all I know. The only dimension of reality I currently breathe in.
48Tears stream from my eyes because of the destruction of my people!"
Rivers of tears pour from my eyes at the smashup of my dear people. I have no tears left. They have all been cried.
49My tears flow endlessly; they will not stop
49-51 “The tears stream from my eyes, an artesian well of tears,
50until the Lord looks down from heaven and sees.
Until you, God, look down from on high look and see my tears. But you see.
51My heart is breaking over the fate of all the women of Jerusalem.
When I see what’s happened to the young women in the city, the pain breaks my heart. You FEEL.
52My enemies, whom I have never harmed, hunted me down like a bird.
52-54 “Enemies with no reason to be enemies hunted me down like a bird.
Without reason my enemy kept coming. 
53They threw me into a pit and dropped stones on me.
They threw me into a pit, then pelted me with stones. Chained me in lies and threw me in a cage.
54The water rose over my head, and I cried out, "This is the end!"
Then the rains came and filled the pit. The water rose over my head. I said, 'It's all over.' They took me out to sea and dumped the cage overboard. An offering for Leviathan.
55But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the pit.
55-57 “I called out your name, O God, called from the bottom of the pit.
I have no words left. My eyes are on you God. My mouth tries to word your name.
56You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading! Hear my cry for help!"
You listened when I called out, ‘Don’t shut your ears! Get me out of here! Save me!' The mere whisper of your name gets heard.
57Yes, you came when I called; you told me, "Do no fear."
You came close when I called out. You said, 'It's going to be all right,' You hear my pain, my disbelieve.
58Lord, you have come to my defense; you have redeemed my life.
58-60 “You took my side, Master; you brought me back alive!
You will turn it into faith again.
59You have seen the wrong they have done to me, Lord. Be my judge, and prove me right.
God, you saw the wrongs heaped on me. Give me my day in court! I plead for my day. That Justice won't be blind. That it will SEE my innocence.
60You have seen the vengeful plots my enemies have laid against me.
Yes, you saw their mean-minded schemes, their plots to destroy me. You saw the back-alley dealings of my enemy.
61Lord, you have heard the vile names they call me. You know all about the plans they have made.
61-63 “You heard, God, their vicious gossip, their behind-my-back plots to ruin me.
You HEARD their plots and vindictive plans.
62My enemies whisper and mutter as they plot against me all day long.
They never quit, these enemies of mine, dreaming up mischief, hatching out malice, day after day after day. Since day one, they have steamrolled ahead in their vanity.
63Look at them! Whether they sit or stand, I am the object of their mocking songs.
Sitting down or standing up—just look at them!— they mock me with vulgar doggerel. Without cease.
64Pay them back, Lord, for all the evil they have done.
64-66 “Make them pay for what they’ve done, God. Give them their just deserts.
God, break their bones.
65Give them hard and stubborn hearts, and let your curse fall on them!
Break their miserable hearts! Damn their eyes! Break their minds and break their hearts.
66Chase them down in your anger, destroying them beneath the Lord's heavens.
Get good and angry. Hunt them down. Make a total demolition here under your heaven!" Pluck out their eyes and turn them inward, so that they will SEE their twistedness and look to you.
As for me: I will hold on to Nelson Mandela's words: "courageous people do not fear forgiving for the sake of peace."

Tuesday 18 April 2017

I breathe

With everything in me I wish this was true. I wish I had the feistiness my flaming hair demands. But I feel only pretty pathetic pathos. I sneer at the vision of myself, lying broken on the floor, begging for mercy. Putrid docility.  


I fought. I’ve been fighting for years – and in the face of battle I have lost my own. Stages of innocence, faith, determination, strength scowling on a dirt-ridden face. All to be replaced by an empty stare. Void of all: the innocence, the faith, the determination and the strength.




I used to think that I will come full circle. That I will end up believing the way I did once. That the child-like faith will be restored. I see now that I am on a one-way path. So I shed my wings. The holes in my back still raw; my own screams echoing through my mind whenever a memory hits me from behind and the fresh blood flows over the scars.  

No going back. With a dry, cracked throat I move forward in silence. I’m done crying out. I cut hope’s noose from my neck. I will learn to walk again.

As I venture beyond the end into a light-deprived, new beginning, I breathe. I don’t need to be the dragon. The fire within will light up once more to reveal the beauty within a quiet strength. 

She Will Rise


Tuesday 6 September 2016

A Good Thing




(Lamentations 3) ...words spoken right from within my very own soul. He knows... "I gave up on life altogether. I’ve forgotten what the good life is like. I said to myself, “This is it. I’m finished. God is a lost cause.”



It’s a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

19-21 I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
    the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
    the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
    and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
22-24 God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
    He’s all I’ve got left.
25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
    to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take,
    go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
    Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
    The “worst” is never the worst.
31-33 Why? Because the Master won’t ever
    walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
    His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
    in throwing roadblocks in the way:
34-36 Stomping down hard
    on luckless prisoners,
Refusing justice to victims
    in the court of High God,
Tampering with evidence—
    the Master does not approve of such things.